Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Thoughts About Gay Flakiness
It is disconcerting that the words flake and flakiness repeat themselves so often in gay ads. (Mostly, I am talking here about Craigslist that has gay sexual advertisements in numerous cities all over the world.) The ads will read “I am not flaky” or a comment about another advertiser will state: “Beware: he is a flake.”When I arrived in San Francisco at the end of 1964 and become aware of the flakiness in the gay community (not to speak of numerous treasurers absconding with the funds of the newly-formed gay organizations) my seniors explained to me that it was a result of the terrible emotional hardships young homosexuals were subjected to. And yet there was very little flakiness among my many gay friends, not sex partners. In the meantime, acceptance and personal freedoms have increased tremendously but the flakiness persists.In fact, decades later, the flakiness hasn’t gone away when it comes to sex.
Certainly there was very little of it among gay men who were caregivers during the worst time of the AIDS epidemic. But that task was not sexual in nature.So what gives? Why would even an escort who makes his living this way stand up a client without a word of apology? My own take is that rules of proper etiquette have been with us for millennia and more or less we try to conform to them. When I step on a stranger’s foot by accident I say “Sorry,” because I have been taught to do so as a child. My parents probably learned the same lesson in their childhood. In gay life, especially among persons who don’t know each other, there is only one goal: Having sex with the other person. If one changes one’s mind or wants to break the relationship, giving a wrong telephone number will do just as well as a sentence explaining this decision.The strangest thing is that our so-called leaders harp endlessly on our civil rights without giving any thought to our behavior toward each other when it comes to pure sex, and only that. My bi friends tell me that the same holds true in straight life when it comes to sex. This is a subject I know very little about but, if it is true, it is equally disappointing.The one attempt to change gay behavior – using condoms – worked for a while in the 1980s and the beginning 90s, because the ravages of AIDS traumatized us. Nowadays, judging from the ads on Craigslist, bare backing is acceptable again to many people. Our gay “leaders” dare not discuss the harm of drugs, bare backing or even criticize flaky behavior.
It is disconcerting that the words flake and flakiness repeat themselves so often in gay ads. (Mostly, I am talking here about Craigslist that has gay sexual advertisements in numerous cities all over the world.) The ads will read “I am not flaky” or a comment about another advertiser will state: “Beware: he is a flake.”When I arrived in San Francisco at the end of 1964 and become aware of the flakiness in the gay community (not to speak of numerous treasurers absconding with the funds of the newly-formed gay organizations) my seniors explained to me that it was a result of the terrible emotional hardships young homosexuals were subjected to. And yet there was very little flakiness among my many gay friends, not sex partners. In the meantime, acceptance and personal freedoms have increased tremendously but the flakiness persists.In fact, decades later, the flakiness hasn’t gone away when it comes to sex.
Certainly there was very little of it among gay men who were caregivers during the worst time of the AIDS epidemic. But that task was not sexual in nature.So what gives? Why would even an escort who makes his living this way stand up a client without a word of apology? My own take is that rules of proper etiquette have been with us for millennia and more or less we try to conform to them. When I step on a stranger’s foot by accident I say “Sorry,” because I have been taught to do so as a child. My parents probably learned the same lesson in their childhood. In gay life, especially among persons who don’t know each other, there is only one goal: Having sex with the other person. If one changes one’s mind or wants to break the relationship, giving a wrong telephone number will do just as well as a sentence explaining this decision.The strangest thing is that our so-called leaders harp endlessly on our civil rights without giving any thought to our behavior toward each other when it comes to pure sex, and only that. My bi friends tell me that the same holds true in straight life when it comes to sex. This is a subject I know very little about but, if it is true, it is equally disappointing.The one attempt to change gay behavior – using condoms – worked for a while in the 1980s and the beginning 90s, because the ravages of AIDS traumatized us. Nowadays, judging from the ads on Craigslist, bare backing is acceptable again to many people. Our gay “leaders” dare not discuss the harm of drugs, bare backing or even criticize flaky behavior.
Labels: Gay Flakiness
